


Day In The Life

by RainbowLookingGlass



Series: On the Borderline [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Borderline Personality Disorder, Borderline!Sirius, M/M, Magical Alternate Universe, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 02:17:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5725981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowLookingGlass/pseuds/RainbowLookingGlass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus loves his boyfriend, Sirius Black, to pieces. But how does he handle it when he comes home to find Sirius a sobbing mess, flinging his brushes about and screaming curses at nobody in particular, and how did he come to this?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day In The Life

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't often see much representation of borderline personality disorder, and given how common a disorder it is as a result of abuse, I felt that it would be easy for Sirius to develop it as a result of his awful family. This is based off of my own experience with borderline, though Sirius's case is more severe than my own. Let me know if you think there's any inconsistencies or issues, I tried to portray it as true to the illness as possible.  
> Edit: Themoonandthestars_fellinlove brought to my attention that I messed up and made the first in the series non-magical and the second magical. I ultimately decided to make the series a magical AU and completely ignore canon, so no Voldemort, no war, etc. Thank you kind friend, you're awesome! <3

It wasn’t uncommon for Remus to walk into his flat to the sounds of curses and sobs and crashing, but it never became less terrifying to him.

He’s had an exhausting day. After Hogwarts Remus decided, since his lycanthropy severely limited him in the wizard world, he would work in the muggle world. He'd been studying muggle subjects with his father every free moment, and managed to get himself into a muggle university for psychology and education, ultimately becoming a teacher. His students often tried not to take the psychology class seriously, with it’s reputation from the past teacher of it being an easy A. Having been a teacher for only a year he was just learning how to command respect from a classroom, and the rowdy teenagers had been testing his patience all day, asking the most ridiculous questions about the possibilities presented by classical conditioning in the bedroom while Remus attempted to keep them on track. The tension turned into a full-on headache when he heard the noise, knowing that his evening may very well be as frustrating and exhausting as his work day.

He quickly crossed the living area and wrenched open the only closed door, from which the commotion was coming from. While Remus had been in university, Sirius had become overly fascinated by how muggles live. He discovered a love for art, and with hard work and practice he had become quite successful and turned their extra bedroom in their flat into an art studio, the site of many a meltdown. He was greeted with his lover, covered head to toe in watercolor paints, screaming and crying as he flung paint brushes around the room, splattering the color over every surface.

“I’ll never get it right! I’ll never get this fucking piece right! Nothing ever works out how I want it to, none of this shit ever goes right and I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore, I’m fucking done. I’ve fucking had enough of this mother fucking life!” Sirius screeched, hitting his easel so that it toppled over, the paper he had been painting on falling face down. With a final sob, Sirius dropped suddenly to the floor, scratching at his colorful arms as the tears streamed down his face. Remus immediately set down his work bag, kneeling next to Sirius and taking his hands in his own to stop the harm he was doing to himself.

“Hey,” he said gently, pushing his own stress down to the back of his mind, trying to catch his boyfriend’s attention. “Hey, what’s going on? What happened, love?”

Sirius sniffed, refusing to make eye contact. “It won’t work, the art wo-on’t do what I want it to. I ju-ust want it to fucking do the right thing. But it won’t because I’m n-ot a real artist, I’ve never been a real artist. I’m done, I give up,” he explained in a rush, his breath hitching every now and again. As he stopped speaking his eyes welled up again and he started weeping once more, trying to pull away from Remus. Remus held tight though, putting both of Sirius’s hands in one of his own and cupping his cheek with his free hand.

“Now, love, breathe for me. Come on, breathing exercises. How does it go?” He prodded gently, finally getting Sirius to look at him, even if it was in annoyance. Nothing irritated Sirius more than Remus forcing him into the sodding exercises his therapist taught him, but nothing calmed him down as quickly either.

“Up four, right four, down four, left four,” Sirius muttered, finally relaxing a bit so Remus didn’t have to fight him anymore. Together the two went through the exercise, ridiculously named box breathing for the imagery of a box the person was meant to be tracing as they breathed, until most of the muscles in Sirius’s body were relaxed and he was no longer hiccupping. Remus let go of his hands and instead rested his palms against his face, kissing the smaller man gently.

“There now, much better. Let’s get you in a bath, shall we? Wash this paint off a bit, then we’ll do your homework for the night,” Remus suggested, getting to his feet and pulling Sirius up with him. Sirius scowled at the idea of doing his nightly therapy homework but conceded, allowing himself to be pulled along to the bathroom. Remus started the water and grabbed the razors that were left out, leaving Sirius to undress. He went to their room, putting the razors in the combination lock box that they kept for sharps and medication for when Sirius was unsafe, and pulling out the ibuprofen. He swallowed two dry and relocked the box before he changed into soft pajama pants and a jumper, grabbing a similar pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt for Sirius. Going back to the bathroom he found the bath half full and Sirius naked, poking absently at the scars on his wrists and thighs. Remus grabbed the hand doing the poking, kissing the knuckles gently as he set the night wear down. “What bath bomb will it be tonight?” Remus asked, opening the medicine cabinet. 

“The glitter one,” Sirius decided, grabbing his favorite bomb and dropping it in the tub. It immediately began to fizz and dissolve, and in a minute the bath was a darkish blue with loads of silver sparkles swirling slowly around. Sirius lowered himself into the bath, much calmer and seeming more content than before. Remus bent over and placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head, smiling down at his love, beyond relieved at how smoothly the process was going tonight.

“I’ll go order us some food, then. Muggle Chinese sound good?” Sirius nodded his head, sinking down so his chin was in the water.

Several minutes later found Remus in the kitchen, food ordered, reminiscing on the past. He had met Sirius Black on the train to Hogwarts, Remus Remus ecstatic to be able to go at all but terrified, Sirius appearing haughty and arrogant but with a nervous. Remus soon learned that Sirius had come from a posh, elite family with loads of old money. After the sorting, shocking to all of them except James, they banded together due to the proximity of a shared dorm room, and by the end of first year were inseparable. Sirius had seemed normal enough at first. A bit energetic and enthusiastic, always wanting to be the center of attention, but the best of mates to his friends. Slowly, he began to change as he got older, though. He could never be alone, always needing one of the other three by his side. He began guilt tripping the others when they had other plans, claiming they owed him for one reason or another. He was particularly attached to James, though in the oddest way. Some days James was an absolute saint, and nothing he did was wrong. But one wrong word or even look and James was the scum of the earth who clearly hated Sirius, and back and forth ad nauseum. Absolutely everything was exaggerated, from accomplishments on the football field to poor marks in his classes. He began throwing tantrums, usually about what a failure he was in school and in his art pursuits. 

Sixth year is when it really turned for the worst. The summer before Sirius was disinherited and kicked out of the house with only the clothes on his back. He was taken in by the Potters, and everything came out. He had been abused from childhood, often beaten or hexed but always neglected, never getting any attention from his parents unless he made the biggest fuss possible. They were cold people, obsessed with keeping the family name in good graces, always controlling Sirius and his younger brother Regulus to the point of micromanaging, but never showing any warmth or affection. Unless he was doing something truly outside the plainly laid rules, no attention was given to the young boys. That day they had told Sirius that he was to be married within 2 years to a girl of their choosing, then attempted to just leave him be without so much as asking his opinion on the decision. In an attempt to get any sort of response from his parents, he had screamed that he was gay, gay as could be, and had shagged half the guys at school. 

That had been the final straw after years of rebellion, and his parents had thrown him from the house, screaming of disgrace and dishonor. Leaving Regulus to fend for himself in the hell house, he somehow found his way to James’s house on the other side of London and was immediately taken in. Sirius’s living situation became better, but his behavior only worsened. He clung to James more than ever, even trying to get him to skip class or Quidditch practice to console him on bad days. The tantrums became daily events, with the three boys at a complete loss as to how to calm their friend. Some days Sirius would just check out, seeming to be in a daze, not really responding to anyone and not getting any work done in class, forcing the others to cover for him during practical lessons. The boys realized he seemed to take on different personalities with different groups of people, and Sirius admitted he often felt like he didn’t even know who the hell he was. Around teachers he was a model student, polite and intelligent and almost angelic, if a bit cheeky at times. With the Gryffindor Quidditch team he was rowdy and loud, center of attention with his jokes and goofing off. With his three closest friends and dormmates he was vulnerable and needy on bad days, but kind and caring on good ones. While telling his parents he had slept with half the blokes at school had been a lie at the time, Sirius seemed determined to make it truth, shagging any man who would give him the time of day. Perhaps most disturbing was the blood they would sometimes find in the bathroom, and the bandages they appeared on his wrist and bloodstains on the sheets some mornings. While it was tolerable generally, it all came to a head one terrifying day.

It was the day after The Prank. Sirius hadn’t been in class, not entirely unusual, but not good nonetheless. Peter had wandered into the baths to find Sirius, in only an undershirt and his pants, passed out in a shower and covered in blood. His prized knife, one that would always remain perfectly sharpened no matter how much you used it, was lying on the floor next to him, and the deep gashes down his forearms showed a clear story of what had happened. Peter had panicked, screaming his head off for the others. James used his own jacket to try to staunch the flow of blood While Remus and Peter found help. McGonagall quickly healed his rooms and conjured a floating stretcher to take Sirius to the hospital wing, where he was given a blood replenishing potion and left to rest for a bit. When he woke up Madam Pomfrey was there, and they stayed up talking about everything that was happening to him. She took care to keep up-to-date with what the muggles discovered about mental illness, finding the utter lack of resources in the wizarding world repugnant. She realized Sirius was suffering from borderline personality disorder, and set up with Professor McGonagall a mix of potions for him to take and a plan for behavioral training to cut down on his behaviors. 

Upon his return to the dorms, Remus had a long talk with Sirius, trying to understand as much as possible and forgiving him. Having studied a lot of psychology with his father, Remus hadn’t been surprised by the diagnosis and was the best at supporting the poor boy. He sat down with Sirius every night for therapy homework, learned mindfulness exercises to do with Sirius during meltdowns, and overall proved to be an excellent listener and psychoanalyst, aiding Sirius in weaving through his intense, complex emotions. James and Peter were excellent at distraction, always willing to lend an ear and would help Sirius whenever Remus was just too overwhelmed, and kept track of any items that Sirius could use to be a danger to himself. McGonagall proved to be excellent at counseling, coming up with behavioral training exercises and providing valuable insight into why he did things and how he could stop. As the illness was lessened, Sirius and Remus began to realize that their love for one another was not simply friendship based. They began dating exclusively, Sirius giving up his one night stands to sleep in Remus’s arms every night. There were jealousy issues, and Sirius had nearly broken his promise of exclusivity on impulse a few times, but the relationship proved strong, and Remus continued to be excellent for keeping Sirius honest in his recovery. 

Given Remus’s own condition, it hadn’t been easy. Every full moon, when he was laying in the hospital wing, caused a serious downturn in Sirius's condition. He would feel helpless to take his lover's pain away, leading to self destructive behaviors and self loathing. He once even tried a risky spell, modified dark magic, to take Remus's pain. It had nearly killed him, James almost hadn't let him go to full moons anymore. Slowly they worked on these feelings and the fulls got easier as well. James and Peter were always there to help out through them, and together they all managed and came out of Hogwarts as strong as could be.

Now the couple lived together, Sirius finding success in the muggle world as an artist, being invited to exclusive art shows and galleries several times a year and making a nice living on selling his work. Sirius wasn’t completely recovered, probably would never be, but was almost entirely functional on his own and Remus couldn’t be prouder of his boyfriend. James lived in a flat in the same building with his wife, Lily, and the two were expecting and planning on moving into a house in Godric's Hollow soon. James was an auror, and was very talented at it. Peter lived in a building a few blocks away and worked at the ministry, so they didn’t see much of him anymore. Remus sent off a patronus message to James. 'Meltdown earlier. Very fast calm down, he’s in the bath now then therapy homework and dinner. Come by later? Once Sirius sleeps I could use some company and conversation.' James would know that this meant Remus was tired and needed someone to vent to about his day, and would almost certainly agree as he always did. Remus rubbed at his wrist as it began to stiffen a bit, hoping silently that the stress of the day wouldn’t trigger a flare up. While Sirius was much more helpful than he once had been, they were never a pleasant experience.

A large silver stag soon appeared saying he’d be there as the buzzer rang, signaling the arrival of the take out. Remus went to get it, coming back in to see Sirius, covered in glitter rather than paint, lounging on the couch, one arm over his eyes. Remus set the food down in front of him, telling him that James would be there later as he lifted Sirius’s arm up to kiss him gently, and went to make chamomile tea and grab the diary card. Together they ate as they filled out the trigger (Sirius not being able to decide what exactly he wanted his art piece to look like), the emotions (anger and shame, both a 10 on a 1-10 scale), the urge (having a meltdown, 10 on a 1-10 scale, gave in), and what skills he used to lower the intensity of his emotions (box breathing and self sooth). Once the food was eaten and the homework filled out, Sirius curled up to Remus, cuddling into his side.

“Thank you, Moony,” he murmured, using his boyfriend’s old nickname. “I’m sorry I got so out of control. I should be better than this, by now.” Remus smiled fondly yet sadly at him, his earlier irritation dissipated a bit.

“It’s alright, Padfoot, it’s still hard for you. This was your first meltdown in a while, and you calmed down extremely quickly. You’re doing very well, don’t be so hard on yourself,” internally Remus felt that Sirius should probably try seeing a muggle therapist, now that he was so assimilated into muggle life. But knowing that the idea of trusting someone that intimately could set Sirius off when he was so vulnerable, he decided to leave it for now, holding his boyfriend tightly. “It’s going to be ok, love,” he whispered. “We’re really getting there.”

**Author's Note:**

> I might end up making this into a series, I'm not sure yet. It could be cool to explore the development of the disorder more, how exactly Remus and Sirius starting dating and the difficulties, how parting with McGonagall would go. I'm not sure yet, I suppose I'll have to see. Thank you for reading, this is the first piece I'm posting here! Let me know what you thought!


End file.
